The music video for “Bipolar 1” from Light Mirror is out. I worked on this video obsessively for about a month last December, I’m very proud to be able to share it with you.
This song came to me while I was re-reading my medical chart and thinking about my bipolar 1 diagnosis. I have always resisted this diagnosis and I refused to take Lithium after the first couple of years. I resist it because I am scared of it. It fits too perfectly. As a result, I never sleep very well and sometimes have paranoid delusions (“voices in the night”) that I hide from others.
“Bipolar 1” is largely about the manic self of bipolar disorder, a version of Kyle that feels totally alien to me when I try to remember periods of life when he was dominant. The manic side of me finds “god”–meaning in life–in music, but the depressed side sees this as a delusion; Drowse songs are identified as “fence posts:” when I write these songs I feel safe because I am creating my own world, in turn working on this music builds a fence around me that closes me off further from other people.
The video was initially utilized–with Light Mirror in mind–for my installation work, Second Self, which was developed and exhibited during a residency at Studio Kura in Fukuoka, Japan. It was created through my practice of internal mapping, in this case cataloging physical things my unconscious self was drawn to while walking. Visual patterns emerged as hours of footage were edited down to this four minute piece. The footage was ripe with images of (self) deception–smoke and mirrors.